Intense

I’m writing this down now just in case.  You never know.  Never know who will read it, or who will understand it.  I woke this morning and I looked around trying to recognize something.  A door, a window, an article of clothing.  Nothing was familiar. 

A wild panic filled my soul and rested in my throat which grew tighter making breathing difficult.  I could feel myself growing hotter.  My heart began to race.  Nothing made sense.  I prayed and tried to be calm. 

Where was I?  What is that light?  Is it a window?  A door?  What is this place? Who am I?  Oh my heavens, I’ve forgotten who I am.  The room began to spin.  Am I dead?  I can’t be dead?  Did I die.  Where am I? 

Then I could make out a doorway, then another as everything came back into focus.  Slowly.  I recognized my own room.  But, is this my house?  Whose house is it.  Finally, it came to me.  Yes, it is my house.  I threw off the covers and tried to take a deep breath. 

I remained motionless staring at the ceiling until I could recall where I was, who I was, what I did the day before, what day today was, what time it was.  My body ached.  The doctors had found nothing wrong.  But each morning was the same.  It took great effort to get out of bed.  My body protested with groanings and creakings.  Am I going mad?  Grandma died of alzheimer’s.  But she was 89.  Can this happen at 50?  Every day is the same.  Hey, half the time I don’t even know what day it is.  Is this part of the madness.  Is it just old age?  The chemicals in the food?  Something toxic in my environment?  Black mold?  Chinese drywall?  Radon?

I feel so trapped and helpless and hopeless.  Sometimes it’s more intense than others.  But it’s always there just beneath the surface of my Stepford smile.

Written for Sunday Scribblings prompt #239 – Intense

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12 responses to “Intense

  1. That was interesting to read.
    It sounds a bit like me after a typical day at university!

  2. What an intense disaply of fear. I could feel my heart beating faster in the panic of ‘not knowing’ which you created.. I hope she finds some peace..Jae

  3. Very compelling, and the ‘stepford smile’ is a great discriptor.

  4. nice writing..hooked me and held me..loved the stepford ending
    good luck on achieving perfection but be careful not to attain the final goal. after all it’s the climb that is exciting. Once you reach the top..what next

  5. Very intense, and I’ve even had a similar feeling on awakening once or twice. You describe it well and in good detail. Can’t decide if I like the Stepford smile on the end. It jumped out at me for some reason, so will have to think about why.

    Elizabeth

  6. this was powerful for me. the idea of losing my mind, my memory, well – that is terrifying…

  7. insightful take on the prompt,
    intense indeed.

  8. http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/10/31/halloween-party-at-jingle-poetry-monday-poetry-potluck-tomorrow/

    Happy Halloween to you. Our Halloween potluck is open,
    Post a poem on Halloween, or share an old poem unrelated to the theme, link in. that’s how you get the best result of feedback.
    Feel free to take any awards from this post, enjoy!
    xxx

  9. This was such a compelling read and really left you wondering and I loved the ‘stepford smile’ so well written.

  10. Ana, this fit the prompt perfectly. Having awoken at various times in various places (including the hospital), I caught the panic of not knowing, of clearing your mind to recognize familiar surroundings.

    And the Stepford reference, very nice.

    Amy Barlow Liberatore

  11. Beautifully written piece! Most of can identify with that awful feeling of disorientation, I’m sure. Funny how even in trying times, we paste on our Stepford smiles and soldier on…:)

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